12/12/06
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61
"The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made." - Anonymous
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62
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." - Ronald Reagan
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63
"It's better for everyone to think you're an idiot rather than open your mouth and prove it." - Anonymous
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64
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
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65
"And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." - Abraham Lincoln
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66
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners. -- Ernst Jan Plugge
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67
"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die." - Anonymous
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68
"For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.." - Anonymous
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69
"Does the album have any songs you like that aren't on it?" - Harry News, music reviewer
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70
McDonalds announced it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it? --Kate Mallen
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71
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
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72
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling. -- Anonymous
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73
"On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key." - Dilbert
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74
"Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something." - Plato
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75
I always turn to the sports page first, which records people's accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures -- Justice Earl Warren
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76
"Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure." - Ambrose Bierce
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77
An actor's success has the life expectancy of a small boy about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. - Fred Allen
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78
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas'. - Claude D. Pepper
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79
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." - A. Whitney Brown
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80
"I know Karate, Kung Fu, Taekwondo and many other dangerous words." - Anonymous
12/10/06
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41
Our president fell off his bike, and today declared war on gravity. -- Craig Kilborn
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42
"The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse." - Dennis Miller
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43
"There is no problem that cannot be solved by the use of high explosives." - Anonymous
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44
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." - Albert Einstein
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45
"This is not the end, nor is it even the beginning of the end, but it is the end of the beginning." - Winston Churchill (after the victory at El Alamein)
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46
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. -- Jackie Mason
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47
"Join the army! Travel the world, Meet interesting people, and kill them." - Anonymous
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48
"The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them." - William Clayton
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49
And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room. -- Woody Allen
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50
Human beings, vegetables, or comic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible player. - Albert Einstein
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51
So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.' - Henry Youngman (Goodfellas, 1990)
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52
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."- Lana Turner
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53
The way to become famous fast is to throw a brick at someone who is famous. -- Walter Winchell
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54
"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'." -Homer Simpson
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55
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." - Tommy Cooper
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56
"A day without laughter is a day wasted." - Charlie Chaplin
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57
"Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students." - Anonymous
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58
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow; Don't walk behind me, I may not lead; Walk beside me, and just be my friend." - Albert Camus
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59
"I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode." - Anonymous
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60
"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates hemlock is poison.'???????" - Socrates right before his death
12/08/06
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21
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." - Rodney Dangerfield
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22
"The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action." - Anonymous
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23
"There are 3 kinds of people in this world... those who want things to happen, those that make things happen, and those who just wonder what the hell happened!" - Anonymous
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24
"If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?" - Anonymous
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25
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets. - Anonymous
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26
Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished. -- Leslie Nielsen
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27
"My mind works like lightning... one brilliant flash and it's gone." - Anonymous
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28
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." - Rich Cook
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29
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler
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30
Hollywood is where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors. -- Walter Winchell
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31
"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else." - Will Rogers
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32
"The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius." - Oscar Wilde
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33
"Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool." - Anonymous
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34
My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does. - Henny Youngman
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35
We cannot truly face life until we face the fact that it will be taken away from us. -- Billy Graham
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36
Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave -- but there's no need to be in the passing lane. -- Robert Orben
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37
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together." - Carl Zwanzig
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38
"I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect." - Anonymous
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39
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it." - Franklin P. Jones
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40
"All work and no play, will make you a manager." - Anonymous
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